COMMUNICATION AND PROBLEM SOLVING

PAIRS begins with a presentation of the Relationship Roadmap, the basic PAIRS

model of how relationships succeed or become stuck and fail. Couples learn of

the essential role of confiding in intimacy and then how to listen and speak in

ways that deepen their level of confiding. They are taught the Daily Temperature

Reading, in which they are expected to confide in one another each day

sharing Appreciations, New Information, Puzzles, Complaints with Request

for Change, and Wishes, Hopes, and Dreams. Participants then read and

practice Virginia Satir’s (1988) The New Peoplemaking and discover how the

style one uses can be a far greater problem than the actual issue under discussion.

When stressed and communicating in stress styles (Blaming, Placating,

Computing, and Distracting), the underlying problem goes unresolved.

Couples are then taught the Leveling Style of Communication practiced in the

congruent position (face to face, hands in hands), which is a foundation for

the subsequent confiding work in the course. They cultivate the skill to slow

down communication using Empathic Shared Meaning, taking turns being the

speaker and the listener with feedback to assure understanding. They next

learn how to confide a negative reaction to their partner’s behavior all the

way through in safety using the PAIRS Dialogue Guide. The Dialogue Guide

leads the speaker through a sequence of 18 “I-Statement” sentence stems regarding

this negative reaction. Maintaining eye contact, holding hands while

they speak, giving verbatim feedback, and not answering the complaint or

introjecting defensiveness helps couples to stay connected to one another

and avoid misunderstandings. They discover how to speak so that the other

person really wants to listen, and how to listen with empathy so that the

other feels deeply heard and understood.

One of the many paradoxes of PAIRS is how direct and skillful engagement

of conflict builds greater closeness, trust, and confidence in the relationship.

Couples are taught safe and structured ways to move into the

intense emotion regarding a conflict as a first step toward resolving an issue.

The Emotional Jug is one of the core metaphors of PAIRS. When emotions are

cut off or suppressed, it is as if they are poured into a jug and stopped up

with a cork—a cork that becomes the “stiff upper lip” of indifference. Partners

are taught how to safely remove the cork and “blow their lid.” An initial

expression of anger quickly gives way to more vulnerable feelings like fear,

pain, or grief, which is followed by relief and then gratitude for their partners’

listening and acceptance. This process can occur relatively quickly

when couples master the tools and are not fearful of each other’s emotions.

By learning how to express fully one’s fear, pain, and anger in safe and nondestructive

ways, and to do so in the arms of their beloved, and/or with the

support of peers, the bond between intimate partners powerfully deepens.

The Emptying the Jug Exercise is also taught as a prenegotiation release and as

an emotional confiding tool that may be used like the Daily Temperature

Reading.

The PAIRS anger and conflict management tools were adapted largely

from the work of George Bach (Bach & Wyden, 1969). They include the Anger

Rituals (the Haircut, and the Vesuvius) in which one partner asks permission

of the other to vent in a time-limited fashion with as much intensity as is

present. The Anger Rituals help to contain anger in those who explode or

speak caustically and to give permission to be angry and assertive to those

who rarely allow themselves to do this. Once suppressed emotions around

an issue are released, couples can then productively engage the Fair Fight for

Change, another Bach ritual adapted by PAIRS for use as a structured negotiation.

Here, couples learn to fight for the relationship, rather than against

their partner. Peer couple coaches guide the partners through the fight format,

prohibit dirty fighting, and enable reflective evaluation of the partners’

emerging healthy fight styles. Peer coaches learn as much about the Fair

Fight process when coaching as they do when negotiating their own issues.

Through a Shared Art Exercise in class and Follow-the-Leader Dates as homework,

issues related to power and control, leadership and followership, flexibility

versus rigidity of power roles, as well as the impact of unspoken

assumptions are all brought to the surface and examined. Couples discover

that they can remain connected while disagreeing and that they can grow

closer through successfully addressing their differences. A potent sense of

“we,” a sense of shared competence, higher self-esteem, and greater generosity

and goodwill ensue from safely and successfully finding a real, mutually

satisfying, win-win solution to conflict.