GOALS AND OBJECTIVES OF PREMARITAL COUNSELING FROM THE PAIRS PERSPECTIVE

The PAIRS trained professional (PTP) translates the PAIRS concepts and

tools found in the 120-hour experiential PAIRS Relationship Mastery

Course into an effective counseling approach that is titled OFFICE PAIRS.

A PTP is a licensed mental health professional who has been trained in the

PAIRS professional training program. PTPs have had more than 100 hours

of direct experience with the PAIRS concepts and training exercises. During

their training, PTPs personally experience the full range of PAIRS exercises,

usually with their partners. After training, most PTPs teach, practice,

and internalize the PAIRS concepts and tools. In OFFICE PAIRS, the PTP

personally and directly helps the couple learn PAIRS competencies, practice

them under an experienced eye, and apply them outside the office and

obtain feedback on their “homework.”

When working with a premarital couple, the PTP holds in heart and

mind an awareness of what is necessary to be an effective partner as well as

those skills, attitudes, and strategies couples need to assure an ongoing satisfying

relationship, conducive to family permanence. These competencies

focus on three areas: (1) emotional literacy; (2) conjoint partner skills for

building and maintaining intimacy; and (3) practical knowledge, strategies,

and attitudes for sustaining positive marriage and family life. Tables 2.1,

2.2, and 2.3 list these competencies.

The PTP holds these competencies in heart and mind as a standard for

what is needed to sustain couple satisfaction. When couples seek counseling,

the PTP notes which of these competencies are missing and develops

priorities and strategies for offering knowledge and training in what is

needed. Effectively addressing what is missing with interventions, new understandings,

and the teaching of new skills, especially for the premarital

couple, can prevent years of confusion, misery, and probable later family

disintegration. Without training in new competencies, the couple cannot

advance far. During the early romantic “illusion” stage of a relationship,

moments of hurt, misunderstanding, noting differences, or use of power

often trigger doubts and fears about the relationship. Those couples in

early relationships coming for counseling are typically experiencing challenges

to illusions of perfect fit and unconditional love. This is the optimal

time to develop the knowledge, skills, and strategies needed to build a solid

relationship rather than an illusory one.