PAIRS Competencies: Attitudes and Strategies for Successful Long-Term Relationships

1. Affirm the essential role of regular bonding with an abundance of physical closeness

and emotional openness to sustain intimacy. Satisfactorily blend sensuality, sexuality,

and bonding in marriage.

2. Choose play, pleasure, recreation, creativity, and humor for the relationship to balance

the necessary duties and hard work required to maintain the relationship,

home, family, and economic security.

3. Express important hurt, fear, or irritation directly to each other in words, asking to be

heard and understood with empathy. Recognize that what is left unsaid in a relationship

is of ten more harmful than what is said.

4. Seek forgiveness for hurts inflicted in the relationship by taking responsibility for

transgressions, repairing and restoring damages, and expressing regret for pain experienced

by partner. Partner, in believing the pain is understood, feels assured that

transgressions will not easily reoccur, restores trust and forgives. Let go of grudges

and choose to forgive.

5. Give up being right. Invite and express diversity. Welcome differences as sources of

vigor, perspective, and healthy growth of a relationship. Choose to learn from each

other.

6. Choose trust, truth, mutual respect, and fidelity as the foundation of a lasting, loving

relationship.

7. Extend goodwill and positive intent. Do what is pleasing and satisfying to partner.

Choose to engage in caring behaviors. Be a good leader or a good follower as

each fits.

8. Know each other ’s pleasure and pain buttons. Refrain from triggering negative

reactions.

9. Develop a strong sense of “we.” Have intentional rituals, customs, and styles that

create a unique relationship and family identity.

10. Encourage connecting to friends and community to assure each has adequate autonomy,

independence, and breathing room. Balance the intense closeness and needful

interdependence that is at the center of a permanent passionate relationship.

11. Maintain active connections with extended family and other couples and families to

provide community, perspective, and support for the relationship and family.

12. Regularly express gratitude, appreciations, blessings, wishes, hopes, and dreams.

Positive expressions focus couple and family on desire, fulfillment, and happiness,

rather than on victimization, deprivation, scarcity, outrage, or despair.