THE PAIRS PREMARITAL ASSESSMENT

The format Gordon developed for the PAIRS premarital assessment begins

with a two-hour joint interview with couples to explore their history together,

establish the context of their relationship, and set initial goals and

plans for the assessment. It involves questions such as:

• How did you meet?

• What drew you together?

• What made you decide to commit to this relationship?

• What are family responses and reactions to this relationship and your

reactions to each other’s families?

• What are you seeking from this counseling?

• What are your questions of the counselor?

• What are your vocations and how does your work and work communication

styles affect your relationship particularly during times of stress.

This longer session is needed to grasp the fabric and playing field of the

relationship. The 50-minute hour simply cannot build the trust, connectedness,

and collaboration needed for this initial inquiry.

Next schedule two-hour individual interviews with each partner: This

time provides an opportunity to discuss what might be uncomfortable to

share in a joint session. These sessions gather the individual social and

emotional histories—family conditioning, early beginnings, models from

the parental marriage, sibling relationships, decisions and experiences regarding

love, trust, caring, criticism, competition, power, communication

styles, and marital role expectations, including their hopes for the future

as well as fears. Beliefs, expectations, experiences, and life decisions that

might affect the couple’s relationship are tracked, including invisible loyalties,

changes through time in previous relationships, a history of previous

marriages or engagements and what led to their dissolution, children,

job changes, communication and power impasses, disappointments and

how they were handled, and personal hopes and dreams. The individual

sessions generate an attitude of openness and growing curiosity on the

part of each participant about unique histories, and the conditioning each

has brought to the relationship including how differing styles and expectations

may mesh or clash. These individual sessions open windows to

new understandings that have not previously been realized or considered.

Next, a two-hour joint interview for feedback is scheduled. The PTP inquires

about and carefully listens to new thoughts or questions that may

have arisen from their exploration of issues. The PTP then reviews pertinent

data that has been collected and offers specific significant relationship

concepts and skills as applicable, such as the PAIRS Dialogue Guide, a

communication tool for complaining without blaming. Or a listening skill.

Or an exercise designed to uncover mind reading. Or hidden expectations

that in PAIRS are called Love Knots, such as, “If you loved me, you would

know . . .” A nonblaming attitude is maintained throughout. Humor, as

appropriate, is often included along with pertinent wisdom and insights.

The PTP relabels and reframes many past behaviors and intentions, pointing

out how blame is often not the issue. The PTP demonstrates how enormous

misunderstandings have often arisen from a lack of information,

which if asked for and then given, would clarify misperceptions and hidden

assumptions.

In this joint session and, if needed, in one additional joint session, the PTP

provides possible explanations of issues that have become tangled or difficult

in the relationship. The PTP then discusses formats for acquiring specific

relationship knowledge, relationship skills, or specific competencies for

emotional literacy. These formats might include PAIRS courses and/or OFFICE

PAIRS counseling sessions. These suggestions may also include books

to read, specific exercises to practice, and brief workshops to attend that

have proven to be effective.